THE WHISTLEBERRY COWBOY BAND INTRO

  THE WHISTLEBERRY COWBOY BAND CAME INTO EXISTANCE AS THE RESULT OF A FEW MEN WITH BROKEN LIVES SUFFERING FROM A MEDICAL MALADY KNOWN AS "THE POST TRAUMATIC STRESS SYNDROME". IF PUT INTO AN ACRONYM, IT WOULD PROPERLY BE CALLED PTSS, SOUNDS LIKE "PITS", WHICH PROPERLY DESCRIBES THE ATTITUDE OF THIS BUNCH AT THE TIME. THREE OF US WERE IN THE PROCESS OF A DIVORCE, ONE WAS ON HIS THIRD MARRIAGE, AND ONE WAS HAPPILY MARRIED.

  WE WERE ALL BUSINESS MEN FROM DIFFERENT WALKS OF LIFE. ONE WAS THE VICE PRESIDENT OF A LOCAL BANK WITH THE EMPHASIS ON "VICE" AS I WILL ELABORATE MORE IN SPECIFIC DETAIL LATER. HE DID VOCAL AND PLAYED LEAD GUITAR. HOWEVER, YOU HAD TO HAVE A PATHOLOGICAL IMAGINATION TO BELIEVE THAT WAS HIS INTENT WHENEVER HE TRIED EITHER OF THOSE SKILLS. HE SOON WAS GIVEN THE NAME "HUCK" BECAUSE OF HIS BALD HEAD, FAT DEWLAPPED JAWS, AND DROOPY EYELIDS THAT REMINDED US OF "HUCKLEBERRY HOUND". ALSO, BEING A BANKER, WE ASSUMED HE WAS A HUCKTER, THUS THE NAME "HUCK" FIT HIM VERY WELL.

  STICK WAS THE DRUMMER. HE COULDN’T HOLD THE BEAT, HIS STROKES WERE RANDOMLY SPREAD AMONG THE DIFFERENT DRUMS WITHOUT ANY REASON FOR DOING SO, BUT HE LOVED HIS WORK. HE WAS THE ONE OF THE BUNCH THAT WAS HAPPILY MARRIED. IN FACT, HE AND HIS WIFE HAD BEEN MARRIED FOR JUST A FEW YEARS AND ALL EITHER OF THEM COULD TALK ABOUT WAS THEIR SEX LIFE. IT MUST HAVE BEEN PRETTY GOOD BECAUSE BOTH OF THEM WERE SKINNY AND HOLLOWED EYED WITH EMACIATED BODIES THAT WERE BORDER-LINED ANOREXIC.

  THUMPER WAS THE NAME GIVEN OUR STEEL GUITAR AND PIANO PLAYER. HE WAS REALLY THE ONLY DECENT MUSICIAN IN THE BUNCH. TO MAKE MATTERS EVEN WORSE, HE WAS AN ORDAINED MINISTER. HE HAD COME FROM A LONG LINE OF PREACHERS AND ASSUMED HIS JOB AS A MAN CALLED BY GOD WAS TO INSERT INTO ANY CONVERSATION SOMETHING THAT WOULD ALLOW HIM THE OPPORTUNITY TO HARRASS US ABOUT THE WAY WE LIVED, WHICH HE SAID WAS WHAT THE LORD HAD CALLED HIM TO DO. HE IS THE TRUEST FORM OF THE BIBLE THUMPER, HENCE THE NAME GIVEN HIM, THUMPER.

  THUMPER OBSESSED ON KEEPING THE BEAT WHEN WE PLAYED A SONG. HE WOULD STOP US MID-SONG AND CHEW THE DRUMMER OUT IN A REVERENDLY WAY, THEN HE WOULD LAY A MUSICAL SERMON ON THE REST OF US FOR NOT KEEPING GOOD RHYTHM.

  ONE NIGHT HE AND STICK WENT AT IT BECAUSE STICK REALLY THOUGHT HE WAS A PROFESSIONAL AND RESENTED THE REVS CRITICAL COMMENTS. TO SETTLE THE FIGHT, I FOUND A METRONONE AND PLUGGED IT IN. WE TOOK OFF ON A GOOD OLD COUNTRY TUNE AND STICK, QUICKLY SEEING THAT THE METRONONE AND HE WEREN’T WORKING TOGETHER, JUMPED OFF HIS STOOL, UNPLUGGED THE METRONE, SET DOWN AND DECLARED, "THAT DAMNED METRONONE IS SCREWED UP! IT ISN’T WORKING RIGHT."

THUMPER ASSUMED HIS PIOUS, ALOOF EXPRESSION, KNOWING HE HAD PROVEN HIS POINT.

  STICK TOLD HIM AS FAR AS HE WAS CONCERNED; HE COULD STICK HIS SUGGESTIONS UP HIS PIOUS ASS, AND THUS WAS GIVEN THE NAME STICK. ALSO, THE REV. TOLD HIM HE SHOULD TAKE HIS DRUM STICKS AND BEAT ON THE SIDES OF HIS HEAD AND MAYBE GET IT THROUGH HIS THICK SKULL WHAT A DRUMMER’S JOB WAS IN A BAND.

  THUMBS EARNED HIS TITLE AS THE RESULT OF HIS LOUSY BASS PLAYING. WE TOLD HIM HE PLAYED BAS AS IF HE HAD ONLY THUMBS. HE WAS IN HIS THIRD MARRIAGE AND WAS SORT OF AN ADVISOR FOR THOSE OF US WHO WERE GOING THROUGH OUR FIRST DIVORCE. BECAUSE OF HIS COUNCEILING EXPERIENCE WITH A BUNCH OF MEN IN MARRIAGE FAILURES, MOST OF THEM BROKE FROM LAWYERS, WILLING TO ACCEPT ANY HELP AT ALL AS LONG AS IT WAS FREE, THUMBS MISTAKENLY GOT THE IDEA HE SHOULD BE A MINISTER. LATER, HE ENROLLED IN A SEMINARY SCHOOL AND I’VE LOST TRACK OF HIM.

  AFTER THUMBS LEFT, WE ADDED A FELLOW WHO WAS HANDICAPPED BY HAVING ONLY ONE LEG. HE TOOK THUMBS PLACE AS A BASS PLAYER AND WAS VERY GOOD AT IT. HE EVENTUALLY BECAME THE ONE WHO LOADED AND UNLOADED OUR EQUIPMENT ON HIS FLAT BED TRUCK. HE HAD TO PROVE HE WAS NOT A HANDICAPPED PERSON AND WE WERE VERY HAPPY TO STAND AROUND HARRASSING EACH OTHER WHILE HE DID ALL THE WORK. HE WAS A LOT OF FUN UNTIL THUMPER TOOK HIM INTO THE CHURCH AND "SAVED" HIM. WE CALLED HIM "STUMP". NO OTHER COMMENT NEEDED.

  I WAS NAMED "SORGHUM" BECAUSE OF MY HERITAGE. I WAS RAISED AS A HILLBILLY ON A FARM IN NORTHWEST MISSOURI. MY GRANDFATHER HAD BEEN HALF FOX AND HALF CHEROKEE INDIAN WITH THE NATURAL TALENT OF MAKING SORGHUM; A TASTY TREAT I STILL DEVOUR OFTEN.

  THE WHISTLEBERRY COWBOYS, IN SPITE OF THEIR VERBALLY BEATING UP ON EACH OTHER, DEVELOPED A BROTHERLY RELATIONSHIP THAT HAS LASTED TO THIS DAY, MANY YEARS LATER, EVEN THOUGH EACH HAS GONE THEIR SEPARATE WAYS.

  EVERYTHING CHANGES INCLUDING THE DISSOLUTION OF THE WHISTLEBERRY COWBOY BAND, BUT WE CONTINUED FOR ELEVEN YEARS AT LEAST WITH PART OF THE ORIGINALS, WHILE ADDING NEW MEMBERS TO REPLACE THOSE THAT HAD TO LEAVE FOR VARIOUS REASONS. THE NEW MEMBERS WILL BE INCLUDED IN THE BANDS ACTIVITIES AS THEY CAME INTO BEING LATER.

  IF YOU HAVE EVER HAD A BAND, BEEN INVOLVED WITH A BAND, OR EVEN HAVE HAD THOUGHTS ABOUT A BAND, THIS WILL BE FUN FOR YOU.

JAY BARBER